Monday, August 23, 2010

I'm Just Full of Contradictions

I began thinking lately about how contradictory I am as a person...

The first is this:

I've mentioned many times before that I'm a planner. To me, however, planning is almost equivalent to wishing your life away because you're constantly looking to the possibilities and hopes of the future and never enjoying the moment. Despite recognizing it that way, I love planning for the future and creating an image, in my hopeful mind, of what will be. This means I look forward to the future, right? Well, not exactly...

You see, I'm terrified of growing old and "no longer existing". This is something I don't ever think about unless someone else brings up in conversation. If said person does bring up this conversation, I bluntly say "I don't want to think/talk about it" and quickly move on. I'm so uncomfortable with it that, if you didn't notice in the beginning of this paragraph, I grazed over the fact of dying by making it sound more acceptable and phrasing it as "no longer existing." I remember nights when I would walk to my mother's bedside crying and telling her I didn't want to die. A child in elementary school should not worry about such things. A woman my age should not worry about such things. But, alas, I do. So why you ask am I always looking to the future? Yea...can't explain that one.

The second is this:

Again, this deals with the fact that I'm a planner. I love to plan any and all things. However, I would LOVE (so much I can't even express how much) to be that person that spontaneously decides to pack up her things and go on a trip, unplanned. My parents used to do that-just pack up, go on a trip without a hotel reservation and, probably, sometimes not even an exact idea of where they were going. While right now financial woes prevents this from happening, I hope that one day when I'm financially able I'll let loose and go take trips on a whim.

The third is this:

I'm an only child. I, for the most part, got what I wanted growing up. I didn't want for anything, always had sleepovers when I wanted, had the type of birthday party I wanted, got enough Christmas gifts for a family of 5+, and so on. Most only children get used to the idea of getting all the attention and thrive on it right? (I assume this because my only child/dog "Moose" is an attention hog and does not like when he's not getting it, even for a minute). Not me. I despise/loathe/hate, whatever you want to call it, being the center of attention. I can feel the heat rising into my face as it turns coke-bottle red when my name is called in class, someone approaches me with a question of which I can't prepare an answer for, when the words "Happy Birthday to you" begun being sung to me on an (not so) annual basis. I don't enjoy it. I do, however, begrudingly admit that I do like getting what I want and not ever having to hear the word "no." Eh, not so proud of admitting that one :-/

But, that's me, full of contradictions. I'm sure there are MANY more, but those are the ones I'm aware of and can recognize at the moment.

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